Counsel in your Councils...

There is a power that comes when we counsel together as husband and wife, and as a family council.

When Joseph Smith approached Martin Harris he said, “Martin Harris, you have got to humble yourself before God this day, that you may obtain a forgiveness of your sins. If you do, it is the will of the Lord that you should look upon the plates…” 

Eight witnesses of the Book of Mormon.
These were after the three witnesses

After this was done, Joseph Smith told his parents, “you do not know how happy I am: the Lord has now cause the plates to be shown to three more besides myself…I feel as if I was relieved of a burden which was almost too heavy for me to bear, and it rejoices my soul that I am not any longer to be entirely alone in this world.”

from lds.org

My husband and I have grown a lot since the beginning of this Marriage class. When we first got married I presumed that because we were both returned missionaries we automatically had the same goals and patterns in life. Well, for some part, we did. But, I could not ever understand my husband when he told me I do not really talk to him about the things of my heart. I seriously thought we were doing better, but our perpetual, ongoing, arguments started to be seen by the children, until. Our first date for this class’ assignment began with our first official companionship inventory. This a time when missionary companionships come together and reflect on how the week went. We both did it with our companions on our missions, but for some reason we did not do it ourselves.

First, we prayed for the spirit to teach us what to say, and then we delved into our hearts’ concerns. It turns out that there is peace even when a concern is not fully resolved. We set boundaries and shared our love for each other. Respect and love has grown, but what stands out to me is how much my husband is looking out for my feelings more than I remember, even before we were married. Our marriage and family council is a work in progress, but I realize it’s importance, especially for our family.

Sexual Intimacy: The Learning Curve

The week before I was married I went shopping with a close relative that helped pick clothing I could wear on my wedding night for my husband. I had a couple of choices she packed and gave it to me on our way out of the reception. When it came time for me to change, I looked through the bag, and after rummaging for about 5 minutes, I eventually went to my own bag I packed and picked out my trusty shorts and t-shirt. The things of eternity revolve around the family beginning with husband and wife becoming one. Although this beginning was something I laugh about, I am okay with where I came from and am thankful for the lessons in sexual intimacy since.

Brother Brent Barlow (1986) shared a time when he and his mission companion were asked by a Protestant Minister what the Mormon stand on sexuality was. When he added, “Could you please tell me the Mormon philosophy toward sexuality?” Barlow’s companion stated, “Sir, we believe in it.” Whether you are more in tune with who you are sexually or not, marriage is that chance for intimate connection and growth. As long as you have patience, communication and a good sense of humor, you will grow into yourself and all your body has to offer in its best way. These are good and God intended.

Picture from: www.beliefnet.com

President Kimball (1974) said, “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’ ”

My mother and her sisters would share how their first intimate encounters were, and as young women my sister, cousins and I would cringe. Looking back I appreciate their candidness for this sacred topic. While they never explained the technicalities of sexual intimacies, they conveyed the naturalness of it so I knew it was good when practiced properly.

Now as a wife and mother of 12 years I have grown in knowledge in this area of myself. Inspired by my mothers, husband, church leaders, and the Holy Ghost I have been able to share what I know with my daughter.  Brother Sean E. Brotherson quoted both Presidents Hugh B. Brown and Kimball on sexual intimacy knowledge. Brotherson says to give ourselves permission to “seek answers to your concerns.” This knowledge comes as we “ seek…diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea…out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.”

70% 30%

Goddard talks about the 80% that we like about our spouse. But of the 20% we do not like about our spouse’s traits, he acknowledges that in all the studies Gottman has done, he has found that 70% of what we do not like will never change. Goddard says “We can be mad about that. We can feel cheated. But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change!” He encourages us not to find a way to change our partners but cultivate our charity for it.

This reminds me of the story of the man who kept pushing against the rock because the Lord asked him to. Paraphrasing the story when this man reported to the Lord he asked why he had to push and move the rock. The Lord told him he never meant for the man to move the rock, that was for God to do. When we try to change the part of our spouse that we do not like we will be building muscles in places that we never knew we had but we will become frustrated because we do not see the wisdom in why Heaven gave us a spouse with such weaknesses.

For a long time I avoided addressing things I did not like about my husband because I feared his lash back. I have learned from Gottman that I needed a softer start-up, and when I began doing this, there was a change in the atmosphere instantaneously. I have recognized more of my husbands awesome attributes because we have become better at building love maps, and making the connection to why we loved each other in the first place.

photo credit: http://launch.successsignature.com/sae

It is ironic that Goddard teaches that when we love our spouse the way they are, have charity for their good and especially 100% of their bad traits, they will automatically change that 30% that is able to.

We will be like the man who pushed against the rock when he learned that God will move it for him. We can learn to see our spouse as God sees them, and love them as He does. We can be like Goddard explained of parents who exaggerate their child’s good qualities, and do the same for our spouses.This will build the muscles in us we never knew we had and we will know that we will be better for it.

References: 

 Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub. 

Humility and Repentance.

I have learned lessons in humility and repentance (Goddard 2007), turning toward (Gottman 2015), and letting your partner influence you, (P.115),  in marriage from a good friend and her husband.We will call her Jane, and him Tony.

She was not a member of the church, but we became friends while I was in college. Jane fell in love with a young Tony, and they married. Tony was a member, and Jane was baptized. Unfortunately, he was not an active member of the church, and his actions showed that he was not ready to settle down. So, Jane waded through much sorrow and, in my very temporal opinion, had all the justification in the world to leave her husband. By this time, we had lost contact and thankfully she was able to stay close to good support around her.

She built her testimony of the her Savior, received comfort from her mother-in-law, and counsel from her stake president. Jane set her sights on going to the temple. She patiently followed the counsel of her stake president and waited six years until Tony became worthy enough to be sealed to her and their children.

Jane is the example President Brigham Young shared when the two women came to him wanting a divorce from their husbands. He said, “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.” I told Jane that I have many a lesson in forgiveness that she needed to teach me.

Tony today, of course not perfect, but is a true example of humility and repentance. Like the woman of Samaria, in John 4, he came to Jacob’s well, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and realized what was most important; eternity with the one he loves, Jane. Tony has been in the young men’s presidency, Elders Quorum Presidency, and continues to serve at church, home, and in the finest example of turning toward,  he serves his best friend and wife.

Gottman (2015), teaches that husbands and wives should influence each other, Goddard (2007), teaches that this takes humility and repentance. Tony and Jane have shown me this works as they approach the living waters that the Savior offers to all, together.  

Devils and Faith in Christ

The required readings for our class, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” by H. Wallace Goddard, PH. D., complement each other. But, when I began reading Gottman’s explanations about conflict in marriage, I started to feel like my marriage was not going to last. Because of his knowledge of eternal principles, Goddard keeps reminding me that I have so much help from loved ones and Heaven to steer my marriage boat upward and onward.

Goddard’s Chapter 3 was entitled, Faith in Jesus Christ, and it began with the Savior returning to his disciples who were having problems. A father had brought his son for them to cast out the devils in him, but the disciples could not make it happen. While they had the authority to do this, they lacked enough faith. So, the Savior asked the father if he had faith. I feel like that father when he said, “Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief.” Sometimes in my marriage I feel like my faith falls short like that of the disciples and father. That I should get more out of my husband, or that I seem to always fall short in trying to please him. Faith in my Savior reminds me that there is always help.

I seem to err on the side of caution. I use to always feel down on myself for not measuring up. The devil that Christ cast out of the boy’s body had been with him since he was a child, and it took faith to have it expelled. Not measuring up was this devil for me, and at times it affected our marriage. This was the same reason I was not able to finish the book, The Miracle of Forgiveness, the first time I read it. I knew from others that I should read it to the end, but I felt really weighed down by the explanations of sin, the examples of people in the book who were ignorant of their actions and the contriteness that was needed for forgiveness. This, I thought was me. And for that, when I was half way through, I did not feel worthy to read on. It was only after my marriage that I was able to finish it, and love the words in the book.

13 years into my marriage, we continue to hit against the rocks of disbelief and conflict, as we travel down the river of life, but thankfully, we can glide along on the ride because there is direction from the Savior through the Holy Ghost. Through the love and encouragement of my husband, and our faith in Christ, it is as if this type of devil has left my body. Of course I am reminded every now and then of it, but it is no longer part of who I am.

Caring and Sacrifice.

The author Tzvetan Todorov (1996) explains the difference between caring and sacrificing. He says “Caring is not to be confused with sacrifice, first because acts of sacrifice, much like those of charity, inevitably come with a certain religious coloration, while caring remains exclusively within the sphere of the human...To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.”

So, can you care for someone and sacrifice for them, and still feel the type of joy he is talking about? I say yes. My mother relieved herself of some of her community titles in order to spend Saturday mornings with her 15 grandchildren. She spent a good $100 each weekend, buying food that they could cook and then eat together. This was a small sacrifice for her in order to strengthen her bonds and influence with her grandchildren. I love how Howard and Kathleen Bahr (2001) described the old theory of morality of kinship as not ‘counting the cost’ in sacrificing for one’s own. I too, have had much time spent with my grandmother, even when she would swear at my brothers for taking up her time, she would then turn to my sister and I and laugh before asking us to sit with her and pick out horses for her to place bets on. As I got older our ties grew stronger. Right before my mission she told me to go and be a strong missionary for her, then she died while I was serving. I am a better person for her sacrifice of time and love, as I know my children will be because of the sacrifices my mother is making for them.

photo credit:Forbes.com

The principles of sacrifice and caring or love apply to my marriage as well. The examples of sacrifice instill in me a need to do the same for my husband. It is a given now, that every day, I make my husband’s lunches and drive him an hour each leg, to and from work. This shortens my day quite a bit, but he loves it. He always says how it means a lot to him that we spend that much time together as a family, and that others at his work notice it too. Sacrifice and caring can go hand in hand to make us richer spiritually, and continues traditions that bind us to each other forever.

Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful!

“One word

Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:

That word is love.”

-Sophocles

In chapter three of “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman, he talks about the four horsemen and predictors of divorce. These are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, harsh start ups and flooding. I have to admit that when we had to take five days and track our own interactions with these, I began feeling like my marriage was doomed for failure. Thankfully, marriage takes two, and my husband is good with trying to repair things. For a moment I felt like I was spiraling downward, emotionally, and nothing could fix it. But the minute my husband and I talked about the things I was learning, he helped me feel hopeful and loved.

Gottman talks about Positive Sentiment Override in a marriage and how basic friendship in a marriage needs to be cultivated and nurtured.

But it was Elder Wirthlin’s words that soothed my soul. He shared the story of an elderly couple. The husband painted his blind wife’s nails a bright color so that when she put them up to her eyes, she could just see them. He did this for five years without being asked until she died. Why, because of love. He knew the pattern of love as our Heavenly Father knows. Elder Wirthlin explained, “True love lasts for forever is eternally patient and forgiving, believes, hopes and endures all things. We’re all here to experience love like this, even if we make mistakes.” I remembered then, that there might be days when we feel in despair, and when these moments come, we should take time and count our blessings. Some of those blessings could be in the form of a loved one who helps repair the sadness in your heart.  
How does this relate to being your own kind of beautiful? Each marriage is different, and sometimes we think it should be rosy all the time. But when conflict or mistakes happen, a beautiful daisy, my favourite flower, or more thorns can grow from each experience depending on how we deal with it. It is the difference between letting your heart stray long enough to leave commitment, or learning a new tool to resolve feelings that you did not know how to in the past.