Sexual Intimacy: The Learning Curve

The week before I was married I went shopping with a close relative that helped pick clothing I could wear on my wedding night for my husband. I had a couple of choices she packed and gave it to me on our way out of the reception. When it came time for me to change, I looked through the bag, and after rummaging for about 5 minutes, I eventually went to my own bag I packed and picked out my trusty shorts and t-shirt. The things of eternity revolve around the family beginning with husband and wife becoming one. Although this beginning was something I laugh about, I am okay with where I came from and am thankful for the lessons in sexual intimacy since.

Brother Brent Barlow (1986) shared a time when he and his mission companion were asked by a Protestant Minister what the Mormon stand on sexuality was. When he added, “Could you please tell me the Mormon philosophy toward sexuality?” Barlow’s companion stated, “Sir, we believe in it.” Whether you are more in tune with who you are sexually or not, marriage is that chance for intimate connection and growth. As long as you have patience, communication and a good sense of humor, you will grow into yourself and all your body has to offer in its best way. These are good and God intended.

Picture from: www.beliefnet.com

President Kimball (1974) said, “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’ ”

My mother and her sisters would share how their first intimate encounters were, and as young women my sister, cousins and I would cringe. Looking back I appreciate their candidness for this sacred topic. While they never explained the technicalities of sexual intimacies, they conveyed the naturalness of it so I knew it was good when practiced properly.

Now as a wife and mother of 12 years I have grown in knowledge in this area of myself. Inspired by my mothers, husband, church leaders, and the Holy Ghost I have been able to share what I know with my daughter.  Brother Sean E. Brotherson quoted both Presidents Hugh B. Brown and Kimball on sexual intimacy knowledge. Brotherson says to give ourselves permission to “seek answers to your concerns.” This knowledge comes as we “ seek…diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea…out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.”

70% 30%

Goddard talks about the 80% that we like about our spouse. But of the 20% we do not like about our spouse’s traits, he acknowledges that in all the studies Gottman has done, he has found that 70% of what we do not like will never change. Goddard says “We can be mad about that. We can feel cheated. But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change!” He encourages us not to find a way to change our partners but cultivate our charity for it.

This reminds me of the story of the man who kept pushing against the rock because the Lord asked him to. Paraphrasing the story when this man reported to the Lord he asked why he had to push and move the rock. The Lord told him he never meant for the man to move the rock, that was for God to do. When we try to change the part of our spouse that we do not like we will be building muscles in places that we never knew we had but we will become frustrated because we do not see the wisdom in why Heaven gave us a spouse with such weaknesses.

For a long time I avoided addressing things I did not like about my husband because I feared his lash back. I have learned from Gottman that I needed a softer start-up, and when I began doing this, there was a change in the atmosphere instantaneously. I have recognized more of my husbands awesome attributes because we have become better at building love maps, and making the connection to why we loved each other in the first place.

photo credit: http://launch.successsignature.com/sae

It is ironic that Goddard teaches that when we love our spouse the way they are, have charity for their good and especially 100% of their bad traits, they will automatically change that 30% that is able to.

We will be like the man who pushed against the rock when he learned that God will move it for him. We can learn to see our spouse as God sees them, and love them as He does. We can be like Goddard explained of parents who exaggerate their child’s good qualities, and do the same for our spouses.This will build the muscles in us we never knew we had and we will know that we will be better for it.

References: 

 Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub. 

Humility and Repentance.

I have learned lessons in humility and repentance (Goddard 2007), turning toward (Gottman 2015), and letting your partner influence you, (P.115),  in marriage from a good friend and her husband.We will call her Jane, and him Tony.

She was not a member of the church, but we became friends while I was in college. Jane fell in love with a young Tony, and they married. Tony was a member, and Jane was baptized. Unfortunately, he was not an active member of the church, and his actions showed that he was not ready to settle down. So, Jane waded through much sorrow and, in my very temporal opinion, had all the justification in the world to leave her husband. By this time, we had lost contact and thankfully she was able to stay close to good support around her.

She built her testimony of the her Savior, received comfort from her mother-in-law, and counsel from her stake president. Jane set her sights on going to the temple. She patiently followed the counsel of her stake president and waited six years until Tony became worthy enough to be sealed to her and their children.

Jane is the example President Brigham Young shared when the two women came to him wanting a divorce from their husbands. He said, “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.” I told Jane that I have many a lesson in forgiveness that she needed to teach me.

Tony today, of course not perfect, but is a true example of humility and repentance. Like the woman of Samaria, in John 4, he came to Jacob’s well, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and realized what was most important; eternity with the one he loves, Jane. Tony has been in the young men’s presidency, Elders Quorum Presidency, and continues to serve at church, home, and in the finest example of turning toward,  he serves his best friend and wife.

Gottman (2015), teaches that husbands and wives should influence each other, Goddard (2007), teaches that this takes humility and repentance. Tony and Jane have shown me this works as they approach the living waters that the Savior offers to all, together.