70% 30%

Goddard talks about the 80% that we like about our spouse. But of the 20% we do not like about our spouse’s traits, he acknowledges that in all the studies Gottman has done, he has found that 70% of what we do not like will never change. Goddard says “We can be mad about that. We can feel cheated. But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change!” He encourages us not to find a way to change our partners but cultivate our charity for it.

This reminds me of the story of the man who kept pushing against the rock because the Lord asked him to. Paraphrasing the story when this man reported to the Lord he asked why he had to push and move the rock. The Lord told him he never meant for the man to move the rock, that was for God to do. When we try to change the part of our spouse that we do not like we will be building muscles in places that we never knew we had but we will become frustrated because we do not see the wisdom in why Heaven gave us a spouse with such weaknesses.

For a long time I avoided addressing things I did not like about my husband because I feared his lash back. I have learned from Gottman that I needed a softer start-up, and when I began doing this, there was a change in the atmosphere instantaneously. I have recognized more of my husbands awesome attributes because we have become better at building love maps, and making the connection to why we loved each other in the first place.

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It is ironic that Goddard teaches that when we love our spouse the way they are, have charity for their good and especially 100% of their bad traits, they will automatically change that 30% that is able to.

We will be like the man who pushed against the rock when he learned that God will move it for him. We can learn to see our spouse as God sees them, and love them as He does. We can be like Goddard explained of parents who exaggerate their child’s good qualities, and do the same for our spouses.This will build the muscles in us we never knew we had and we will know that we will be better for it.

References: 

 Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.