Devils and Faith in Christ

The required readings for our class, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman, PH.D., and “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” by H. Wallace Goddard, PH. D., complement each other. But, when I began reading Gottman’s explanations about conflict in marriage, I started to feel like my marriage was not going to last. Because of his knowledge of eternal principles, Goddard keeps reminding me that I have so much help from loved ones and Heaven to steer my marriage boat upward and onward.

Goddard’s Chapter 3 was entitled, Faith in Jesus Christ, and it began with the Savior returning to his disciples who were having problems. A father had brought his son for them to cast out the devils in him, but the disciples could not make it happen. While they had the authority to do this, they lacked enough faith. So, the Savior asked the father if he had faith. I feel like that father when he said, “Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief.” Sometimes in my marriage I feel like my faith falls short like that of the disciples and father. That I should get more out of my husband, or that I seem to always fall short in trying to please him. Faith in my Savior reminds me that there is always help.

I seem to err on the side of caution. I use to always feel down on myself for not measuring up. The devil that Christ cast out of the boy’s body had been with him since he was a child, and it took faith to have it expelled. Not measuring up was this devil for me, and at times it affected our marriage. This was the same reason I was not able to finish the book, The Miracle of Forgiveness, the first time I read it. I knew from others that I should read it to the end, but I felt really weighed down by the explanations of sin, the examples of people in the book who were ignorant of their actions and the contriteness that was needed for forgiveness. This, I thought was me. And for that, when I was half way through, I did not feel worthy to read on. It was only after my marriage that I was able to finish it, and love the words in the book.

13 years into my marriage, we continue to hit against the rocks of disbelief and conflict, as we travel down the river of life, but thankfully, we can glide along on the ride because there is direction from the Savior through the Holy Ghost. Through the love and encouragement of my husband, and our faith in Christ, it is as if this type of devil has left my body. Of course I am reminded every now and then of it, but it is no longer part of who I am.

Caring and Sacrifice.

The author Tzvetan Todorov (1996) explains the difference between caring and sacrificing. He says “Caring is not to be confused with sacrifice, first because acts of sacrifice, much like those of charity, inevitably come with a certain religious coloration, while caring remains exclusively within the sphere of the human...To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.”

So, can you care for someone and sacrifice for them, and still feel the type of joy he is talking about? I say yes. My mother relieved herself of some of her community titles in order to spend Saturday mornings with her 15 grandchildren. She spent a good $100 each weekend, buying food that they could cook and then eat together. This was a small sacrifice for her in order to strengthen her bonds and influence with her grandchildren. I love how Howard and Kathleen Bahr (2001) described the old theory of morality of kinship as not ‘counting the cost’ in sacrificing for one’s own. I too, have had much time spent with my grandmother, even when she would swear at my brothers for taking up her time, she would then turn to my sister and I and laugh before asking us to sit with her and pick out horses for her to place bets on. As I got older our ties grew stronger. Right before my mission she told me to go and be a strong missionary for her, then she died while I was serving. I am a better person for her sacrifice of time and love, as I know my children will be because of the sacrifices my mother is making for them.

photo credit:Forbes.com

The principles of sacrifice and caring or love apply to my marriage as well. The examples of sacrifice instill in me a need to do the same for my husband. It is a given now, that every day, I make my husband’s lunches and drive him an hour each leg, to and from work. This shortens my day quite a bit, but he loves it. He always says how it means a lot to him that we spend that much time together as a family, and that others at his work notice it too. Sacrifice and caring can go hand in hand to make us richer spiritually, and continues traditions that bind us to each other forever.

Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful!

“One word

Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:

That word is love.”

-Sophocles

In chapter three of “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John M. Gottman, he talks about the four horsemen and predictors of divorce. These are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, harsh start ups and flooding. I have to admit that when we had to take five days and track our own interactions with these, I began feeling like my marriage was doomed for failure. Thankfully, marriage takes two, and my husband is good with trying to repair things. For a moment I felt like I was spiraling downward, emotionally, and nothing could fix it. But the minute my husband and I talked about the things I was learning, he helped me feel hopeful and loved.

Gottman talks about Positive Sentiment Override in a marriage and how basic friendship in a marriage needs to be cultivated and nurtured.

But it was Elder Wirthlin’s words that soothed my soul. He shared the story of an elderly couple. The husband painted his blind wife’s nails a bright color so that when she put them up to her eyes, she could just see them. He did this for five years without being asked until she died. Why, because of love. He knew the pattern of love as our Heavenly Father knows. Elder Wirthlin explained, “True love lasts for forever is eternally patient and forgiving, believes, hopes and endures all things. We’re all here to experience love like this, even if we make mistakes.” I remembered then, that there might be days when we feel in despair, and when these moments come, we should take time and count our blessings. Some of those blessings could be in the form of a loved one who helps repair the sadness in your heart.  
How does this relate to being your own kind of beautiful? Each marriage is different, and sometimes we think it should be rosy all the time. But when conflict or mistakes happen, a beautiful daisy, my favourite flower, or more thorns can grow from each experience depending on how we deal with it. It is the difference between letting your heart stray long enough to leave commitment, or learning a new tool to resolve feelings that you did not know how to in the past.

Eternal Families In Context...Begins with Eternal Marriage

As I watched Ryan Anderson try to share his views with Pierce Morgan and Suse Orman, I kept feeling anger build up inside of me for the lack of respect Suse Orman showed to Ryan Andersen, in spite of their differences of opinion. Having watched it a second time, I realize more than ever the words of Elder Bednar are true, “The eternal nature and importance of marriage can be fully understood only within the overarching context of the Father’s plan for His children.”

So what is the context of the Father’s plan for His children? It is to be able to participate as married man and woman in bringing God’s spirit children to earth. Elder Bednar said “marriage between a man and a woman is the authorized channel through which premortal spirits enter mortality. Complete sexual abstinence before marriage and total fidelity within marriage protect the sanctity of this sacred channel.” If we take the focus off the issues of the world for a while and hone it into our covenants, the plan of happiness comes into view.

I love President Benson’s experience about living near the Logan temple and how he learned the importance of it from his parents examples, as they prepared their clothing and went to worship at the temple. This is where the reminder of family relationships being perpetuated beyond the grave rings true. President Benson went on to say “The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal.” Heavenly Father said “This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” What’s the eternal catalyst for this work to happen? In the family unit. Elder Bednar added, “By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children.”

(Picture credit: www.mediamatters.org)

As Ryan Andersen shared with Pierce Morgan and Suse Orman, “Every marriage may not have a child, but every child has a mother and a father, and marriage is what connects the mother and father to each other for the child.” This is true, but why? The proclamation to the world on The Family states, “The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.”

This is how we take part in our Heavenly Fathers plan, and how we become more like him. I want to be with my family forever, through temple.

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Voter's Remorse.

I remember voting for Prop. 8 in California 2008. In 2013 my heart was saddened to see broadcast on TV, just an hour and a half away, the proposition was overturned. I thought, what is the use of voting if the courts were just able to strike it down? Obergefell v. Hodges summary provided me with some relief, but God’s pattern for revealing truth through prophets leads me to raise a flag, a stand on an issue that is of the heart of the Great Plan of Happiness.

In reading opinion of the court (the majority) from Obergefell v Hodges, my heart went out to those three couples who felt discriminated against. Admittedly, at one point I could see how they should have an opportunity to be married and recognized, especially when I read: “Without the recognition, stability, and predictability marriage offers, children suffer the stigma of knowing their families are somehow lesser.” (Obergefell v Hodges 2015). I felt for the children. Children should never feel outcast because of the decisions of adults. I am thankful that the dissenting Justices addressed their reasonings before the majority, and so began my journey back to reality.

Back L-R Sonia Sotomayor, Stephen G. Breyer, Samuel A. Alito, and Elena Kagan
Front L-R: Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia, Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy, and Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Chief Justices (C.J.) Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas all addressed my concern about Proposition 8 being overturned. In Justice Robert’s words “For those who believe in a government of laws, not of men, the majority’s approach is deeply disheartening. Supporters of same-sex marriage have achieved considerable success persuading their fellow citizens-through democratic process- to adopt their view. That ends today. Five lawyers have closed the debated and enacted their own vision of marriage as a matter of constitutional law.” (Obergefell v Hodges 2015). I need not say more. Each of the dissenting Judges cover this in great detail, this addressed the first of my concerns. C.J.Roberts, then Elder Russell M. Nelson both address my second one, the reason why marriage between a man and a woman is essential.

C.J. Roberts (2015) repeatedly spoke to need for a mother and father to come together in marriage to protect the children, he said, “The human race must procreate to survive. Procreation occurs through sexual relations between a man and a woman. When sexual relations result in the conception of a child, that child’s prospects are generally better if the mother and father stay together rather than going their separate ways. Therefore, for the good of children and society, sexual relations that can lead to procreation should occur only between a man and a woman committed to a lasting bond.” This is a good beginning to understanding why there is a need for marriage to be between a man and a woman. For the fuller picture, God’s pattern of revealing truth to His prophets (Amos 3:7) is a blessing for all who want to understand why marriage between a man and  woman is essential.

We are blessed to have guidance on issues of the heart, because same-sex marriage is an issue of the heart. Elder Nelson (2014), an Apostle of the Lord, said “God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!” I love how he reminded us that in the beginning God created man and woman, Adam and Eve, to create families. This is the pattern for families that the Lord has given us. (2014)  I thank those dissenting Judges who saw the value in their positions as non-voted-in Justices of the Law, they have a beginning of truth in their statements. The fill in comes from those chosen by the author of the definition of marriage, the prophets.

With the dissenting Justices, and Elder Nelson’s  I add my witness that God loves all His children. We came from a Heavenly pre-earth family. Each of us chose to come to earth to gain an earthly body and to become more like our Heavenly Parents. There are more spirits waiting to come to earth to gain a body and learn from their loving earthly mothers and fathers. Anything else cannot allow us to participate fully in the great Plan of Happiness to allow the spirit children of our Heavenly Father to come to earth.